Love Poems: if this is goodbye

he says:
‘if this is goodbye
let me leave you with this’
and goes on to speak in metaphors
and riddles
about games and how he is merely a player
he’s just here so he doesn’t get fined

i sit in silence and listen
as he explains that even in love
he does not play to win

he thinks i play to win because i love him

as if that is not the point of it all
as if i do not see myself in him
as if i was not born to a motherless father
so i know what it means to love men
who search for healing in women
but do not know how to love them
they do not know how to be soft

he is colder
hardened man, beautiful soul
dark eyes that peer
look into me
i do not breathe. electricity.
he feels it too and calls it dangerous
but does not look away
asks what i’m thinking

everything and nothing

i tell him things i do not mean
and things that rest in silence
words i will not speak
words he will not hear
until two in the morning
when God tells me to
‘write the things you cannot speak’

so i write

‘if this is goodbye
let me leave you with this’
love is not a game
we are not team mates
my heart not made from leather
it pumps and bleeds
i am a whole woman who
has opened herself to a dark
child who burns golden gate bridges
if this is goodbye may you learn to not
search for yourself in the hearts of women
do not sell them your loneliness and call it love
they will believe you
i believed you



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